Taking up S.P.A.C.E. w Style & Grace
on Self Expression, Evolution, & Expansion
One day after dinner with the fam, I was standing at the kitchen island staring out the window at nothing in particular, when my grandfather came back from his room & proudly stood in front of me, legs wide apart, grinning & smacking the straps of his suspenders against his chest. He’d done a quick outfit change, trading in his belt for something that helped him “rest his belly” after eating (his words exactly), and apparently needed someone to witness the new fit.
I rolled my eyes & twisted my lips at him, so as to say “how dare you interrupt me staring out into space for this”. But I’m begrudgingly used to his over the top antics, so I half smiled & half shook my head & said something along the lines of, “good for you” so he could feel satisfied in being seen.
But as I resumed my daydreaming, it got me thinking…
They make suspenders for men - tell them it’s ok if your belt doesn’t fit, try these on for size. It’s ok to spread eagle on the subway & take up 2 seats on your way to work or wherever. Men are encouraged to take up as much space as possible & thensome.
Women, on the other hand, are encouraged to be as small as possible, stuffing ourselves into corsets & Spanx & barely there underwear. We’re expected to take lower pay and do our very best to not get in the way. We’re told to contort, compromise & shrink ourselves away.
Now, I love me a good corset like nobody’s business, trust & believe…
But I wondered how many of us go through life unaware that we’re allowed to be as audacious and abundant in our self expression as we see fit?
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Have you ever wanted to break free of the self-imposed limitations and societal constructs making up the status quo & informing the way most people live their lives?
Do you dream of going off script, taking the road less traveled more often?
Do you sometimes feel like there’s more to life to be seen, had, or experienced?
Is there something you’ve always wanted to do or have, but always stopped yourself from doing & having?
Have you ever found yourself doubting your power, shrinking in the face of your dreams, reverting to a prior idea of yourself, arguing in favor of a smaller existence, or experiencing internal conflict between seemingly opposing desires & objectives?
Are you tired of shrinking yourself to fit into whatever box or label someone else or you yourself have picked out? Has dimming to fit in left you feeling dull & drab?
Or might you already be pretty happy with how you show up in the world & simply wish to experience more of your brilliant, beautiful self on a daily basis?
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I create Art/Works that seek to assist women, outliers, creative visionaries, and lightworkers do 3 main things:
Bridge the gap between the Self & the Soul to take up your rightful space
Manifest a life that looks as good as it feels
Live an unconventionally, uncompromisingly, unconditionally charmed existence
In order to do that, I study both the stuff that gets in the way + the opportunities available to us to transcend them.
& If you’re here, chances are you’re interested in living life to the fullest. You’re intrigued by the idea of “becoming who you are”. You’re always interested in finding a new way of making things happen in your life, in a more aligned + elated fashion.
Yet, you might’ve also noticed that the idea of authenticity & actualization are about as elusive as if you were to attempt to grasp onto the air surrounding you in this very moment.
All the gurus & influencers are saying it’s the key to the good life. Everyone & their grandma are doing it, or posing as people that do.
But what’re the inner & outer workings of authenticity & actualization?
Do we get what we deserve in life or only what we’re willing to stake our claim to?
& Whether you’re new to this or true to this life, how can you systematically & sustainably experience more of your unique essence?
The #1 Problem — Symptoms of the Shrinking Self
1st, let’s talk about the 1 problem that might be standing in the way of you experiencing greater levels of fulfillment, no matter the level of sovereignty, success, and satisfaction you currently claim.
It’s called The Upper Limit Problem — a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book “The Big Leap”, which is essentially the human condition of bottlenecking the flow of energy seeking to be expressed through us, putting a cap on the amount of love, abundance, and success we allow ourselves to experience.
It might sound like:
I don’t trust myself to take care of myself if my business becomes highly successful — I associate high impact, high income, high success with high burnout so I tend to play small.
It’s also the culprit behind the dynamic of “I was doing so good, and feeling so good about doing good, that I found a way to make myself feel bad again.”
When dealing with the ULP, you might feel that anytime you succeed at something, you soon after slide back into the familiarity of your comfort zone, self sabotaging or comparing yourself to the status quo’s definition of living well.
Not because you want to, but because deep down you don’t feel worthy of the achievement. Or bc you’re afraid of straying too far from the guidelines, even if it feels good to do so…
Bc we can talk innovation & individuation all day, but being your truest, most unique self is an exposure therapy-like crash course in being willing to be the odd one out.
Playing small may be showing up in diff areas of your life as:
A fear of success
A fear of failure or making mistakes
A fear of being seen & heard (even if that’s all you truly want)
Feelings of unworthiness & unbelonging
Fear of rejection or embarrassment
Aversion to taking risks, doing something different, or taking a firm stance against a widely held position/pov on a taboo topic
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The first step is to become aware of your ULP triggers. To take notice of when & what things cause you to subconsciously slide into the safety of your smaller self or the predictability of self sabotage.
Then you’ll want to get clear & specific on the exact fear & belief that’s sponsoring your self-imposed limits.
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The 4 Hidden Barriers to Self Expansion, Self Evolution, & Self Expression
(AKA the shit that gets in the way):
All 4 are rooted in a fear of the unknown (what happens when you venture out to becoming all that you are); ostracization (from the collective), + the fear of your own power (
mused in a video that embracing your innate power is like meeting the Source of all creation - it’d prob scare the sh*t out of you if you came face to face with the Creator of universes & life itself)But playing small = playing yourself
The good news is even if you feel small rn, an atom is the smallest measure of matter known to mankind & it makes up literally EVERYTHING in existence!
If you’re feeling an urge to venture beyond your current stage of fulfillment or to leave your comfort zone to pursue growth, recognize this as your innate creative power in action, not greediness or gluttony or a case of grandiosity!
Taking up your rightful space requires you to see & feel the totality of who you are…
Living life to the fullest means seeing the bigger picture…
True Self Actualization calls for being willing to step further into yourself, staying present to who each moment is calling you to be, & being willing to wander off the beaten trail + off into your own lil world
The Elements Of SPACE 101: A Self Concept Framework that transcends all time-space-&-dimension
If conditioning is disintegration of the Self and the Soul, then salvation is found in re-membering & realigning, putting the pieces back together, connecting to your Source & creating a clear channel for Source energy to flow through the Self unimpeded by bogus barriers.
You must give yourself the SPACE + OPPORTUNITY to THRIVE!
You must learn to believe in your capacity, possibility & capability rather than your “untapped potential” (the unnoted connotation is that it's unfulfilled, something you have to strive to achieve)
You must take responsibility for the conditions you curate to support your wellbeing
Our willingness to look at the ways in which we diminish our true expression in the world is the key to peace and freedom.
— Kathy Sparrow
The Elements of SPACE™ is such a framework that creates a container for assessing & addressing how & why you show up in the world the way you do, and how you might be able to step more fully into the essence of your being.
I’m a big fan of tailoring life to suit YOUR specific & unique frequency, and so it’s designed with the idea in mind of using systems of self knowing w/o being confined to dogmatism, keeping in mind that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts & you have the final say in how you use what you got to get what you want.
Seeing both the big picture view of your life & how all the pieces come together to contribute to your existence as yourself in this lifetime is a recipe for believing in your wholeness & worthiness, and embracing, embodying, & expressing your innermost divine essence & natural multidimensionality.
SPIRITUALITY
Whether New Age, Traditionally Religious, Agnostic, or something in between, Spirituality contributes to your willingness to take up space in life through devotion to service & purpose, however that shows up for you.
It’s your personalized System of Meaning Making.
Being One with your Source, or feeling a connection to Source Energy from within.
Honoring Intuition as Inner Knowing, Inspiration as the Breath of God, Acting out whatever it is you believe your divine purpose to be on earth, for the highest good of the greater good.
The way you experience Unconditional Belonging & Wellness..
The world might be obsessed with thinness, but growing up Black, I didn’t see the fruits of my naturally slim figure. I remember being so excited one day that I finally found a pair of adult jeans that fit me & no longer had to exclusively shop in the kids’ department. I also remember an uncle of mine later remarking, “what the hell is a 0? A 0 is nothing”.
And to that, my subconscious said, “word.”
Bc of the size of my physical body, I’ve stopped myself from doing things that required me to “put myself out there”, & from seeing myself as sexy or as a woman. I was looking at how much (or how little) physical matter God used to create me as a clear sign from above of my insignificance.
While I’ve grown to love & admire my physique & natural beauty now, that version of me was looking for any sign in the physical world to argue for my inner sense of smallness & unwillingness to step into my true power.
An authentic Spirituality is about being grounded in your Soul’s Identity (an evergreen beingness that exists beyond the confines & constructs of form, that supersedes labels).
The essence of being everything/all things & nothing at the same time; alone as an individual & yet connected to the source of all creation & destruction; utterly insignificant yet vital to the very threads of life that touch & tether beings you don’t even know exist…
PERSONALITY
Beyond your identity & role as a part of the whole, or what you believe your mission to be, there’s a layer of your existence that dictates how you think, the way you do what you do, the kinds of things you’re attracted to & willing to engage with.
Personality is about establishing your Sense of Self, what makes you unique, how you can differentiate yourself from all of the other expressions in the world.
It’s your Egoic Identity (which is malleable) + guides your Animal Instinct
Personality = Personal Reality: How you think, act, and feel. To change your personal reality you have to change your personality — nothing changes until you do.
We only feel “less than perfect” when we compare our story, our situation, or ourselves to other people or to the way we think it “should have been” or how we’re “supposed to be”…
Parts + Pieces Psychology
Within the realm of Personality are Parts of the psyche.
“any categorization of personality styles, whether the enneagram, the DSM-IV manual of psychiatric diagnoses, the Myers/Briggs, or others, is a description of the ways people's parts have organized.”
— An Introduction to The Internal Family System, by Richard C. Schwartz
— Being sure all parts + pieces of you are present, functioning properly, satisfied, & accounted for, and being able to see yourself from the Highest Perspective while also holding space for your Shadows is a major key to living a wholesome, meaningful, integrated life.
Some examples include:
Your Inner Self + Outer Expression
The Inner Child + Inner Parent/Adult
Your Ego/Persona + Soul/Mind + Heart
The Shadow + Higher Self
The Inner Artist + Inner Entrepreneur/Creative & CEO
The Lightworker (part of you that wants to make the world a better place) & Shadow Dweller (part of you that would prefer to mind its own business & focus on self preservation) within
Your HANDPRINT Placements (Human Design - Astrology - Numerology - Destiny Matrix + Divination)
Your Attachment Style
The merging of the Anima + Animus
Feminine + Masculine Energies
The Genius & The Glamour Girl, a Tale of Twin Selves
Growing up I was praised for 1 thing & 1 thing only: how smart I was. My big sister was the pretty one, I was the genius.
But I loved fashion, I loved interior design, and I was simply attracted to & awestruck by things that I classified as beautiful.
However, even after getting my then-dream job working at MAC Cosmetics, I never felt worthy of doing art for art’s sake. I didn’t make myself safe to post any of my #ootd’s, and up until very recently, didn’t allow myself to fully go after any business offerings or even create FREE content that allowed me to explore the side of me that just loved glamour! I felt like I had to be doing something sensible, something that taught people something in order to be worthy of my space in the world. Intellectualism became a dominating part of my personality.
Being a Gemini Rising w Mercury in Virgo prob doesn’t help. iykyk..
It took reminding myself that I don’t have to choose, that I can be all the things I was made to be & that no one was going to give me permission to do so. I simply had to decide that these parts of myself weren’t at war & in fact wanted the same thing — for me to learn how to live the dream, inside & out. To pursue my unique style & self actualization in every form & field.
Plus I’ve got a Libra North Node. An Air sign (intellect) ruled by Venus (beauty).
AESTHETICS
I’m not talking “putting ‘core’ at the end of every f*cking word”, aesthetics.
I’m talking about the intentional & visceral expression of love for yourself with your divine form as the canvas.
Showing up & showing out by presenting yourself how you want to be seen & known & regarded. Doing so unapologetically & unabashedly.
The communication of your Inner Identities, the outward expression of who you are.
Depression trained me to not look after myself, not to put any effort into what I wore for my daily war against myself, unable to care about a skincare routine when the idea of getting out of bed was unbearable…
Personal style can be a vehicle for personal evolution. Curating a signature style that exudes your energetic signature is a physical & sensorial message you send to yourself, the universe, & society of who you choose to be today byway of making your vibration visual.
Not attaching your sense of self worth to it (or to societal standards of beauty), but rather actively using it as a channel for the expression of your most authentic & aspirational self.
The difference between Style & Fashion is that fashion is what’s offered to you by the labels & houses each season, and style is what you choose.
Aesthetic Actualization is the art of Refining your vibration, Actualizing & Expressing your Soul in the 3D via Personal Style, your Brand Design, & Cultivating your Personal Space as a sanctuary of self worship & fostering connection to others.
CREATIVITY
Creativity is your God-given gift.
Your gift back is using it to build the world you wish existed, the world you want future generations to inherit.
How willing are you to find & declare your Zone Of Genius + pour energy into only the Creative Containers that honor your unique gift & what you have to contribute to the world?
I’m consistently oscillating between loving every single thing that I make & surprising myself with the levels of creativity I can reach, whilst also inwardly, violently chiding “why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just write a simple thing? Talk about the trees I saw today at the park like a “real” writer? Haven’t you heard? Ugly is “in”, and all this design stuff yer doin is a waste of time”…
But I like making pretty things & making things pretty. I enjoy verbosity & simplicity in equal measure. & Karl Lagerfield taught me that “the last step before tacky is trendy”. I’ve never done the “in” thing — at least not while it was in! My entire existence resides either way ahead of my time on some things or fashionably late to the party on others. I like creating within that space between what’s being actively charged by society & what my sacral is independently responding to instead.
We need a sense of core safety so that our daily persona can be put aside, our defences dropped and the shape-shifting of creativity can occur. Creativity needs the same conditions as birth or making love - a safe outer womb-space to protect the vulnerable power of the inner womb-space as it opens to life.
The creative soul simply needs a trusted empty space in which to try things out unobserved and make mistakes. It needs a boundary - even if it is psychological - to keep the world at bay.
— Creatrix: She Who Makes
ENVIRONMENT
I’m a natural homebody.
To the point where let’s just say when government-issued quarantine went into effect & everyone was tryna figure out how to cope with a new way of living, the only thing I was coping with was having more people in my personal space for extended periods of time.
& If I’m leaving my house for it, it better be good.
With my love of aesthetics, my need for solitude, and my realization that I much preferred dressing up spaces than people, I’ve nailed the art of creating a safe space for myself at home — a "room of one’s own”, surrounded by beauty & reminders that I’m an artist, got damnit. Even when I haven’t touched a brush in years aside from play dates w my niece where I make very unserious things. My bedroom is my place of respite. My daily serving of sanity. My place to be unequivocally myself. Where I work, twerk, sleep, dream, escape, create, binge, bawl my eyes out, play dress up…
Your Environment reflects who you are - so be intentional about the image you want to project back to yourself on a daily basis
It can help or hinder your creativity, help you to foster connections and be the space for celebrating milestones, point to clues about your inner state of being & why your habits might be failing or effortlessly executed…
Environment isn’t just your physical space, though.
It’s the energy you surround yourself with, IRL & URL
The When, Where, & With Whom
It’s your Personal Space, Creative/Work Space, Communal Spaces, Online Platforms & Communities, Circle of Associations (birds of a feather flock together, your network is your net-worth, being a sum total of the 5 people you hang out with the most, etc…)
Simply put, it’s what you feed yourself with (mind-body-spirit), what you take in, and how you set up your life to support your ever-changing Self.
Together, each of the elements points to a life & a line of work that feels good, looks as good as it feels, and helps you to reclaim & own your space on every level of existence
Your Spiritual Identity & beliefs might open you up to more courageously exploring & pursuing a Creative Direction. The kinds of things you most wish to create might give you a keener insight into your true Personality or you might find a way to infuse your quirks into your Art/Works. Diving deeper into who you are to your core & who you see yourself being in the world might make it evermore clear to you the kinds of spaces & circles that’ll nourish you the best & that you’d most want to frequent or cultivate, and which friends & platforms are no longer your cup of tea. A new goal that you set for yourself might inspire you to alter the way you dress, carry yourself, and enter a room. Upon self reflection & connecting to your Soul’s intentions, you might discover that the main drive behind your desire to workout isn’t just to look good in a bikini, but also to feel strong & connected to your body, to establish that mind-to-muscle link, and therefor find renewed motivation to make your workout plan stick this time. You might decide to throw out clothes that no longer suit your self image or feel aligned with your true self, rearrange the furniture or re-paint a room to create the atmosphere you most desire once you’ve become clear on who you see yourself as being & the kind of life you envision yourself living/new parties you want to throw, experiment with a new style of hair & makeup you didn’t dare try in the past now that you’ve come into a more wholehearted view of yourself, or find ways to match your physical space & personal styling to the kind of content you want to film for your business now that you see the clear connection between your purpose on earth & how you were uniquely crafted to actualize it through your personal brand…
The possibilities are truly endless.
Man is only limited by weakness of attention and poverty of imagination.
— Neville Goddard
The 4 Directions + 4 Directives/Operative Objectives of SPACING OUT
— measuring your willingness to take up SPACE
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
- Anais Nin
There are 4 “directions” of taking up space:
INVOLUTION: The Divine urge to descend into the world of form, to go within oneself to reach the Source
EVOLUTION: The Human urge to become more, to ascend in consciousness & the soul’s expression
EMBODIMENT: The taking on of & intentional expression an energy or essence through the physical vessel, vibrating in alignment with mind-body-spirit
EXPANSION: The pursuit of a greater, grander, more generous & glorious experience of one’s innermost essence, to increase one’s capacity of self expression
& 4 objectives of one who wishes to do so:
Taking up more (allowing yourself to be an infinite channel for prosperity, an endless fountain of creativity by expanding your capacity for experiencing all life has to offer)
Creating more (in your life/the world) by by clearing out, letting go of what’s no longer in alignment w you or feels true to your soul, & consciously carving out space for living & building your dream life on a day to day basis
Feeling a sense of spaciousness within (limitlessness, growing into the truest most beautiful version of yourself); filling the voids inside you with more you, w love, acceptance, recognition, and possibility; allowing yourself the space to feel whatever it is you’re feeling (non-resistance) bc every feeling & emotion carries a message with it
Balancing holding space for your evolution w SHRINKING the Inner Critic + the sound of other people’s voices, & lessening the hold that your Ego or any Part of yourself that prioritizes safety over satisfaction has on you; choosing to make your destabilizing fears smaller than your dreams & desires
Wanna work on shifting between your current & ideal identities? Download the Self Image Starter Kit, on the hou$e.
It is said that some things only remain the same by changing. It is said you’re either actively growing or passively decaying.
All of nature evolves & shapeshifts, as self organizing organisms synchronized to the natural flow of life.
Staying true to who you are as you continue to uncover, unbecome, & witness the unfolding of your essence on earth means allowing your creative ideas & goals or intentions to evolve as you do, to shift alongside your ever-expanding sense of self & purpose.
This tension is known as "Dynamic Tension" because it is fluid and represents the ever-moving relationship between where you are today and the goal or vision that you are moving towards.
The bigger the vision and the more challenging the goal - the more tension you will feel. As you close the gap, the tension reduces.
If you want more joy and fulfillment from life, set bigger goals and dream grander visions for yourself, your community and the world. This will give you a reason to live, engage all of yourself and will create tension that will propel you to new levels.
-Optima Coaching
You manage this tension by allowing your individual unfolding to happen in its own unique way, not having to look like anyone else's journey & even embracing life when it doesn't look as you yourself had expected it to.
By remembering the cave you fear to enter often holds the treasure you seek.
By remembering you don't have to do everything yourself. The Universe is here to support you.
By remembering to pace yourself & check in with yourself, trusting that you'll be led to the right resources, people, ideas, places & opportunities for your next stage or step in divine right timing.
You collapse timelines (through time, space & dimension) when you start showing up as your future self, today
When you get honest with yourself about where & how you want to grow & change the way you show up & refuse to feel any shame for it
By establishing that fine balance between being confident in who you are today & feeling self assured in that, while also being courageous enough to do the inner work when you come up against an outdated or misaligned part of yourself
CONTEMPLATIVE Q’S
Where have you shrunken/diminished yourself or are you presently feeling incomplete?
Give an identity to your Upper Limit Problem. Describe how it shows up for you & the pattern it sets in motion when it does.
Which of the 4 Hidden Barrier Beliefs is your biggest culprit?
What would it look & feel like to show up as the fullest version of yourself?
How do you imagine yourself using each Element of SPACE™ to authentically self actualize?
{& let me know what comes up for you}
Developing our vision is a thinking exercise:
At first, it will seem impossible. Ask "What if?". This gives us permission to consider new ideas.
Once it seems feasible, ask "How might I?". This will lead to a workable plan.
Make concrete plans by asking "How will I?"
— The 12 Week Year
Does this make me feel expansive or constricted? {to check your concrete plans + when faced with a decision of which direction to go in or which idea to believe in} — Notice your body language when you’re feeling either : Do you perk up or slouch your shoulders, do you feel energy swirl in your tummy or do you feel a surge of energy shoot up your spine? What does expansiveness & spaciousness feel like to you & within you? What does restriction & constriction feel like?
"There are only two kinds of thoughts," explains Michael Gervais, "those that constrict us or those that expand us. Negative thoughts constrict, positive thoughts expand. And you can feel the difference. We're looking to expand. Positive self-talk is about choosing those thoughts that provide a little more space.”
Constricting thoughts shrink your options and abilities. Positive thoughts move in the opposite direction.
— The Art Of Impossible: A Peak Performance Primer
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& AN AFFIRMATION TO ADOPT
“As I expand in my capacity to receive & enjoy more love, abundance, success, health, harmony, and happiness each & every day, I inspire those around me to do the same.”
— Inspired by Gay Hendricks’ “Personal Success Mantra”